TALES FROM THE LIST

BY PAIX ROBINSON

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PREFACE

The Summer of 2006

June 26th

Dear journal,

Waking up late was not the way I wanted to begin ma day. But hey, whatcha gonna do? I couldn’t sleep on account of the series of conversations that I experienced before I tried to rest my eyes. One call from a new flame, and another from the fire that I sparked 10 months ago. I don’t knoe why I even answer the fone sometimes. I knoe it's wrong, and is against everything I grew up learning but apart of me wants more, and other wants to know why I want more. What is it about this new spark that interest me so? The old cliché “people often want what they can’t have” plagues my mind like the rats that fogged the streets of London once in a time before me. Our conversations are like none I've ever had. It’s weird, trying to find an explanation just confuses me even more. I constantly press the “ignore” button on my Black Motorola V3 Razr (A grad gift from my parental, finally!) Why ignore you ask? I don’t knoe. Why the hell would I ignore my one true love? Maybe she’s not. Naw not even! So what’s the problem? Things haven’t been quite the same since I pulled an usher and confessed. Only I didn’t get any body pregnant I was just attracted to another. But being in the understanding (to say the least) relationship that I am in I thought that it wouldn’t change anything. The long tyme fire claims that the new blaze doesn’t faze her, but deep down I knoe it does. I wasn’t trying to be cruel or inconsiderate, if anything I was looking out for her, I wanted to make sure she knew everything that was going on in my life. And this being huge new speed bump in my life I wanted to make sure that she would and could help my drive over it without scratching the bumper that we built together. If you didn’t get that metaphor I was using the car in reference to our relationship, get it now...ok...

...Moving on. I love her, and I will always. We are getting married and that’s that. There is no force in the heavens that could change that. If the Messiah himself told me that I would suffer years of torment I would tell him that by having her in my life there is no way that I could feel any pain.

With that said I’m still left confused. If I feel so passionately about her, why do I do the things I do; Night calls that last until the morning, little cutesy names like “whore” and “nigger” being exchanged, texting xoxo, and making plans for the future. That’s not me. I’m taking her kindness for weakness aren’t I? But wait,  what about me? Don’t I get to live the life that I want to live? I’m only seventeen years old. Shit! I don’t knoe who I am, or where I'll be in 20 years. I like to dream, and hope for the best, but a part of me wants to live walk thru life blindly and see where it takes me. But by parental enforcement that can’t happen. I have certain expectations that I musty follow and live up to and unfortunately creating new ripples in my love life is against the rules.

I try and not focus on other things by picking up my Rhinestone encrusted T.Mobile Sidekick II. As use the scroll trying to pass by the tyme, Cassie's hot single "Me and You" beings, alerting me that I have a new text message. I knoe the sender so I try and disregard it and try to aim my some sidekick buddies. But as type countless words and internet lingo’s like “lol, g2g.brb. And wtf” I can’t stop thing about my new message, the only reason I’ve ever waited this long was to try and wean myself away from the strong attachment I had towards the messenger. When I first began receiving new messages sung by Cassie. It was to a different song. Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous Girl”. One eighth note of the song and I drop everything and rush to the fone. Why? I do not knoe! And that’s what bugs me. Get out of my head! Leave me alone! Maybe I'll  try and sleep on it. Good-(Interruption).”Its me and you now, I’ve been waiting. Think I wanna make that move now. Baby tell me if you like it.” G2g my phones ringing!

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June 28th

Dear Journal,

After what began as a lonely day of clueless the whatever edition, Laguna Beach the complete first season , overpriced pizza, and along shower I realized that I was not taking my New York trip for what it was. I was free. Free of surrey lane, free of white tees blue jeans and Nikes, no more Bart, or Mexicans trying to sell me oranges and strawberries at the bottom of Keller. And free of restraints. I was taking jump start into life on my own, and all I was doing was sitting around watching a blonde discover her love for a step brother and a bunch of spoiled rich kids and their problems. So I jumped in the shower, put on a really cute outfit, thanks to H & M on 134. As I sported my “creature of the night” Tee shirt and ma skull vans, I turned my iPod to the maximum level. The OC: Mix 1-5, became a soundtrack to the Q train, Canal, Union Square, Prince Street, 34th, and finally 42nd. I got off and was once part of the crowd. Walking briskly thru the crowd like a real New Yorker; bumping into people, not saying “excuse me”, totally disregarding the Don’t Walk signs. I spotted an AMC theatre and decided to treat ma self to a late movie. Unfortunately it was only 8.15 and the movie of my choice didn’t begin until 9:20. So I bought the over priced AMC ticket, walked a couple blocks grabbed a $5.75 venti caramel Frap and headed back to the theater.

Feeling superficial as a whole I strutted ma way down 42nd with ma RazR in my ear, sidekick in one hand and caffeine in the other. I knew I looked Hot. As the people stared and ease dropped on my conversation, listening to California lingo, I watched them, picking me apart. Piece by piece. After a 35 min. wait we processed into the theater. I stayed on the fone until the cheesy previews telling me not to add ma own soundtrack played. I said goodbye and awaited the movie that I paid way too much for.

During the movie I gazed at the crowd. Full of couples sharing popcorn and soda, I became jealous. Wishing I wasn’t alone I had let my emotions catch the R train from Jealous Avenue to Sad Street.

The vision of me and me new fire sitting, arms over shoulder, two straws coming out of a mixed slushy, but only using one. Wishing of that moment where we both reach for the popcorn and our hands touch followed by a shy yet seductive stare played in my mind over and over.

I was wasting my $10.75, and stopped watching the WB Movie, and started watching my own. The movie of our first date. I began to smile.The movie was ending and I didn’t want it too. Not because for the last half hour I had no recollection of what happened but because as I sat in that theatre physically alone, I wasn’t mentally. I could feel the heat of the fire next to me, and I knew that when the credits began to roll the warmth would roll away as Well. Eventually the movie ended. And once again I joined the crowd. I felt like New Yorker. Surrounded by millions of people, and still feeling cold alone.

I turned my iPod to the maximum level. The OC: Mix 1-5, became a soundtrack to the Q train once again .34th, Prince St, Union Square, Canal, and finally DeKalb. I ran back to my dorm, out of fear of being by myself, Stripped my once prized outfit, turned on the AC, bit off a piece of the pizza from hours before. And stretched my sweat stained skin across my bed. I called up my desired flame and felt the warmth once more. As we talked about religion I grabbed the bible and opened it. When I opened the holy book was opened the ribbon was holding the spot of 1 Samuel chapters 18-19. I chuckled; the names of the chapters did not only include the name if a great king of Jerusalem, but the name of a fire. Fires that I started, a spark that I helped grow. A feeling of warmth and acceptance. The name of a flame that I shared a special date with only minutes before. Lol. Was this a coincidence? I think not. I stared out the window watching the people walking by briskly thru the crowd, bumping into each other, not saying “excuse me”, totally disregarding the Don’t Walk signs. Yet now I didn’t feel the coldness of 42nd street. But the heat from Theatre 6.

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June 29th

Dear Journal,

The alarm goes off and as usual I don’t move. I ignore the snooze button and just let it play. The sound plays thru the dimensions and becomes a part of the fantasy in my dream: a car horn or a police alarm. Finally reality hit and I decided to just wake up and become a part of civilization. I take a gander at the time and

came to the conclusion that I had overslept. “Oh shit!” I contemplated arranging a whole new ensemble but I had no time. I’m usually good with quick changes thanks to being a performer, but today as just not the day. “I was totally by myself yesterday, no one saw me!” I thru on my H&M outfit, brushed ma teeth, deodorized, sprayed some fierce, grabbed my stunners and was out the door. Like The days before me. I entered the DeKalb station on the corner of DeKalb and Fulton with the iPod booming. Only this time it wasn’t the alternative sounds of California, but some of the town’s finest slaps ; popular songs that are often played at parties and on Oakland radio, being both local and mainstream. I boarded the train, and awaited the day ahead of me. With each song came a new emotion. Cassie's Me and You made reminded me of you-know-what, followed by Rihanna’s S.O.S which shifted me into an eccentric sexy tone. The view from the train was one of a kind. The sun; hidden in the distance by the clouds stretching across a foggy blue & grey sky. The buildings in the horizon, and the water? It wasn’t totally blue but it’s getting there. Lol.

Walking from 57TH to W55TH had now become routine. I walked with confidence and direction, I made into the Alley School a little early, but Ms. James always told me “If you’re on time you’re late. If you’re early you’re on time” the lobby was full of dancers; stretching, dancing, and talking. I took the elevator to the second floor, and waited; while I was waiting I noticed the T.Mobile gadget that I had my eye on. The new Sidekick III. Omg it was so beautiful. Small, black, lightweight, chic & sleek and not mine. I wanted to hold it and possibly run away with it. I asked the guy a couple of questions about his phone and got a chance to hold something that I most likely will never own. My heart melted the sec. I grasped it. It was a masterpiece to say the least. But I had to let it go; the phone and the reality that I wasn’t getting one.

After getting my paperwork in Studio 2A, my stomach began to do pas de bourree so I searched for food. A block down I stumbled upon a little bagel shop. I bought a plain bagel with cream cheese, and a Canada Dry: Ginger Ale to wash it down. I placed my buns down on the green and black marble bench in front of the school, sat Indian style, whipped out mycell, and began to eat, drink and be merry. I chopped it up with my Big Sis for an hour or so. Just until it was time for Orientation then the convo came to a close.

Looking around the room I noticed everyone’s Posture, attire, accessories, purses hairstyles and so much more. In this tiny little theatre was the representation of a whole generation.

Most of us were 17 and 18, and had been dancing a majority if our lives. I finally met people. 3 Ashley’s and another girl who I just can’t remember to save my life. We talked about smoking, beaches, and the Cali life.

Sometimes I find myself explaining a lot since I came here. “So you really just go to the beach?” "Omg so like do you go shopping on sunset with movie stars?” I’ve been asked these questions since could memorize my address. I just shook my head and said yes to all. I wasn’t’ lying per say. They invited there new beach buddie (me) to go shopping with them in SoHo and of course he said yes. When it was over we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.

Down to 45th and into the Virgin Mega store I went. In search of Cruel Intentions. A movie that captivates me in ways unknown. No luck, so I just walked randomly. Before I knew it I was on 5th avenue. Passing by I saw a department store called Lord and Taylor. It looked expensive so I knew I’d find something cute. I looked over the perfumes and colognes and then went on to the glasses. At that point I looked like a million bucks. I tried on Versace, Dolce and Gabbana, Coach and some real cute Betsy Johnson shoes. Acting like the price tag didn’t faze me I asked “is this all?” she pointed towards the sale rack that held some cheap Steve Maddens and I looked at her and snobbishly said "I don’t think so!” She laughed and I left. Up on the tenth level was my kind of apparel. Lacoste, Le Tigre', Blue Marlin, Ralph Lauren and many other Nordstrom type labels. I found the cutest White V-neck sweater and had to have it. It only cost me $26.59. I gladly gave her my Visa and thought my shopping was done. As I was headed toward the elevator I saw the most gorgeous sweater. It was identical to the one I had just purchased the only difference was it was $88.90 marked down from $168.50, and it was Lacoste. I had to have it. So I grabbed it ripped off the sensor and switched the two like a pro. And back to the streets I went. I walked down 5th Avenue proudly feeling like a boss.

Somehow I ended up in Central Park, by Columbus Circle. I found a Borders Bookstore inside the mall and was on the lookout for Cruel Intentions once more. I found it, gave the cashier ma Card and it was declined! I was so embarrassed. I polity said. “Oh well whatev. I’ll come back.” I darted out of that store and went home.

I popped in Clueless, and sat back ate some pizza. Halfway during the teen flick I realized that I hadn’t spoken to the sweetest taboo in like 8 years (an exaggeration meaning a long tyme)...hold on...ma foes ringing! Shut up...omg! shut up! I gotta go. Taboo’s calling me.

Okay. Even though we only talked for like 10, I’m so satisfied. I’m still confused as to why. But whatev. I’m totally buggin. I need a shower. I’m outie!


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June 30th

Dear Journal,

Last night was a doozy. What I thought was going to be another cupcaking session with ma babe turned into a slight argument and I think a break. We expressed the love we had for each other and how were still young and do not knoe who we are. Even though we feel strongly towards each other, there sill that thought of "what if?" I feel solely responsible for the situation that we are in because of my lil usher episode; I knew I should have never said anything. The one time I am trying to be honest and it ends up in the shatter. To be brutally truthful I would not mind a break. Some time apart to deal with the shit that has been hassling at me everyday of my underage, immature, spoiled, and confused life. You would think that having no cross America strings attached would be a good thing. Any other nigga would just screw every floozy that opened her thighs and her mouth. However, that is not really me. I feel as though this break just adds more stress and pandemonium to our relationship, as a couple and as humans. A part of me wants to just say fuck it and give in to all temptations that have come and are coming my way, but there’s the responsible side that knows that by doing that it would only make matters worse and to take this tyme for what it is. A break.

Maybe i shoud take time to figure myself out. I don’t know who I am or where I am headed. There are so many avenues that I must travel down in order to get the answers I need, but I don’t want to walk alone. I had been walking alone for so many years and then she came along. I’m too weak to deal with the demons that attack my life. But now pondering on the situation maybe it's better that way. If I always hold the hands of those I love I will never learn how to walk on my own. These streets are only built for one person. And I’ve tried to squeeze in several at a Time.

I slept like a stoner, which is funny because I haven’t smelled Bob Marley in over two weeks. Waking up at around 1:30pm was the best part of the day. I slowly slid out of bed, got dressed and ready and was out the door. I promised my mother I was going to eat something green and step away from the pizza that I had been chewing on since I got here. I walked down pass my school top a lil French restaurant. I instantly noticed that it was the same restaurant where skyline High School ate every morning during our performing arts trip. The waitress was French and so was the food. It was too funny. I ordered a 6.75 Caesar Salad, and a coffee ice cream. Both were delicious.

During ma meal I sipped spring water and gazed out of the window watching the people that walked by. For comfort I talked to my best friend, my sister and my babe. I laughed, and enjoyed the afternoon greatly.

Once I left I just walked. I ended up on the richer side of New York. So I decided to do a little shopping. I began my spree at borders. I picked up the Cruel Intentions DVD that I had out on hold. I traveled down to 56th and 5th avenue, where I found the biggest Abercrombie & Fitch that I have ever seen in my life. I wanted to kiss every square foot of the 5 level store, but NYC aint quite the cleanest place on earth. I entered heaven properly wearing my wings. I did a lap before I committed to a location.

All of the clothes were neatly folded behind a glass case like jewelry. It was so beautiful. After my purchase of two shirts I was feeling ma self. Tiffany & Co, Louis Vuitton, Christian Dior, Prada, Fendi, Yves Saint Laurent, and so much more, I was surrounded my fame, money and power and I loved every millisecond of it. Each time I entered a store they looked at me trying to figure out my family’s income and the size of my trust fund. I could tell they were surprised I even knew what Haute couture was, but as soon as I opened my white washed mouth the “Can I help you” “Do you like this” “What else can I do for you” wouldn’t stop coming. I loved it! I was getting hungry but I knew I had to wait until got home before I could eat. Tonight it was all about leftovers. Pizza! So I caught the train and went home.

Today was the day that I had made an agreement with a close friend/flame that I wasn’t going to talk to them for a whole day. I was dying and I still am. But something’s telling me that their ok with this separation. I have a tendency to be aggressive, I call a lot and text and aim, the whole nine yards. I have a problem with being alone. I hate it, but this strip is teaching me to have fun with ma self. Even though all I’ve done is shop. I’m still having fun by myself. But I wasn’t having fun not talking to them. I grip the fone every 10 min, with each ring of my sidekick and RazR I think it’s them calling me to tell me that they couldn’t do it, and they just had to talk to me. But its not. I also hate rejection. I could be wrong. It's only 9:52 and midnight is a ways away. What am I gonna do. Looks like tonight is going to be another night full of clueless girls, California Babes and insestuous Siblings.

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July 1st

Dear Journal,

By now I’m just accustomed to being alone. If I were doing the same things Oakland that I do in New York I would feel unpopular and bootsey. But for some odd reason I like being alone in New York. I would never ride the B.A.R.T (Bay Area Rapid Transit) by myself. I barely ride it with other people. And that’s just to San Francisco. Unless Zakiya or Freddy are with me I don’t really do public transportation. It's not that I'm scared, I’m just too good for it. I knoe I sound like a snob, but who are we playing here this is Jaredt Lindo Robinson Draquez Hunter were talking about here. I'm like the Regina (Mean Girls) of the bay area. “It's way too tight” Another reason why I like being alone is because no one knoe who I am here. For all they know I could the descendent of Martin Luther King Jr. or the prince of Panama.

It wasn’t till around 9 o’clock that I received a knock at my door. I was hoping it was the camera crew and host of “Publishers Clearing House” holding a large cardboard check with 6 zeros on it. But sadly it was just the girl from next door. “Do you wanna come to Applebee’s with me?” “Sure why not, I’m not doing anything” I didn’t show it but I was kinda excited that someone even noticed I lived on the same floor as them, let alone inviting me to dinner. Like most people that take an invite forma strange girl I thought she was interested in me and was just trying to get to knoe me better. So I sent ma babe a text saying “Plz call me in like 3 min. plz, the future of our children rest on your hands thanks.” so sure enough less than 3 minutes later she called. I felt like an idiot after a lil conversation with the girl. She was 24, and had a man. She wasn’t trying talk to me. I actually had a good time. Since ma Coach Wallet was a tad bit empty I ordered off the appetizer menu, but so did she so I didn’t feel that bad. Since she didn’t know me I had chance to make her believe that I was living the life that desired to live.

Shopping sprees on 5th avenue. Visa cards, Louis Vuitton bags, a trust fund, and a house in the hills of Los Angeles. Wait. That is my life. Lol. Never mind. Listening to her describe me to her (most likely) gangster boyfriend made me feel better as a person and an individual. I can't explain it, but just knowing that she thought I was rich and powerful was a self esteem booster for me. Dinner was great. My mean cost me $13.60 of the $15.00 that I had in my wallet but whatev. It was worth it. My parents said that they deposited the money I gave them in my account and that was like in the thousands so I’m good.

Whenever I start a new relationship I fall for the person hard. I call all the time, aim, and text like every 2 hours. With Babe it was ok, but I feel as though the newbie isn’t used to that. In the beginning the response to my behavior was mutual but I’m fearful that the attraction on their end is fading away. Usually I would just blow them off, start rumors about them and continue with my life while making there’s a living hell. But I can’t. Not because I'm on a different coast but because I'm really falling for them. I know my heart and I didn’t think it was possible to be in live with two people at the same time. But think

it is. I could just have love for one and be in love with the other. Deciphering the different feeling between the two is complicated part. I'm not asking for a ring, a house with blue shutters and dog named spike. I just want a call now and then. Maybe a text or even a quick instant message. Something, any little sign that they still care.

I think I also have to realize that not everyone shows affection the way I do even though I want them too. The whole world should just be like me. The world would be a happier and slight scarier place, Happy, but just a lil scarier.

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July 2nd

Dear Journal,

This is the day that the lord has made. I was supposed to rejoice and be glad in it. But instead I spent it in bed, again! I talked on the fone and just chilled once more. Out of all the days this day was the most depressing. I was Hungry, and had no money. Talk about buyer’s remorse. I was too seconds away from marching my skinny ass down to French Connection and Abercrombie and getting my money back. But that would have been kind of hard seeing as how I wore one of the shirts today. My pride wouldn’t let me. I would rather starve and look good, than look a mess but be full. It’s a sickness. I caught the train to the city in a hunt for cheap food. I had 2 dollars in my pocket, and I was going straight towards my stomach. I found a Case Bank ATM in hopes that the money that I had given my parents cleared and was in my account. But it wasn’t .I had a huge balance of $0.00! That hit me hard. So now instead of being alone, hungry, and in New York, I was alone, hungry and broke. And across the country. There was no fridge to aid my pain. No pantry stocked with Kimchi Noodles and Pop Tarts. Nothing. I really value the little things. The leftovers that I refused to eat because I was under the impression that leftovers were gnarly. Oh how I wish I had some leftovers. Chicken, macaroni and cheese. I'm so hungry. I never realized how expensive eating was until I was paying for it myself. Hearing that my care package is on its way helped the mind. I thought of using my tam card for credit, and it was declined. I was so embarrassed, and the worst

part was that it was at McDonalds. But I guess that’s better than Applebee’s. Either way I was still hungry. Usually I would just sleep away the pain, but I couldn’t do that now; I want tired.

I told Summer, and she took it kind of well. She already knew and she was just waiting for Him to say something but he never did. It kind of hurt here that everyone else knew except her.

I could totally understand. I knoe when I find stuff from others about my best friends I deny it at first and treaty them as rumors. But when there true I feel stupid. I’ve had that happen a lot. Especially since 80% of my friend base are females. I get a lot of the “Yeah, we fucked” or “She sucked me up...” and I instantly reply with the “You full of shit” or ma famous “You a lie, a grunt, ya breath stank and you don’t know Jesus.” So I’m not mad at her for being mad. I called because I was confused. I saw the calls and the texts were slowly stopping. I didn’t know how to take it. Was I slowly being dumped, and if I was I needed to knoe. She told me they were hooking up later and she would call me or He would.

He called and kind nervously and said “D called me and said we need to talk” I knew what it was about but I didn’t say anything. I should have but I was kind of scared, and I was in public. He asked if I could save him and call 11 minutes into the conversation. I gladly said yes. But 18 minutes when I called there was no answer, I tried again. And no answer. My stomach began to turn. I called again but no answer. Shortly after I ....aaaa...ma phones ringing! Brb OMG!! I knew I should have answered the fone. Im so stupid. My stomach is shaking and not from hunger pains. I'm scared. I'm all honesty. I want to have a relationship. But I'm already in one. But were on a break, and I don’t know if that violates the code, or not, but I feel as though if I don’t handles these emotions now they will never get settled and always be there. I do have deep feeling towards them, and would like to continue showing that. But I don’t know how to do that. This is just one big mess.

“akjsabjsn uibdacjnsaojnjsanuhd3287eqajxsbjsdjbjhbxcjhbsdb njhdbcjzx jcvnn” those ere my emotions...just typedout.

Its over.

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July 3

Dear Journal,

After I hung up the fone my mood quickly changed from chill and mellow, to heart broken and scared. Beyond the emotions I was feeling I was still confused as to why I felt hurt. Once again I put heart out for someone to take and I was let down. I knew I should have not confessed. It was fun and exiting while it lasted but now I feel like shit. I didn’t knoe a non- relationship breakup could feel this bad. I as lye in bed regretting all the text messages that I had sent and the secrets that I had shared, and the things I didn’t say I thought about calling back. Then the fone rang.

“I'm sorry”

“For what?”

I’m glad he called, if I didn’t get out all that I had to say I think I would have just held them in for all eternity and died. As soon as the conversation was going somewhere the network with the fewest dropped calls, dropped the call. Don’t cha just love Cingular Wireless? I held the fone in my hand for twenty five min, not knowing whether I was suppose to call back. My call didn’t drop, I have full service. Seconds later I got an aim

(HIM)

-Talk to me here

-I can’t talk on the phone

(ME)

-ok

-I wanted to say...that I’m sorry for being so aggressive with the situation...and that you were the 1st and the only person that I’ve had feelings like this for and that confusedme a lot, and I knew that telling you would inna way make the situation worse, but at the same time I was willing to risk it just to see the out come.

-I think it was all just too much for me

-I feel

-and I'm still confused as to what I'm supposed to do now, because even though we agreed to be friends now...I still really like you, and don’t see that going away anytime soon. Sorry

-So u think u could like...back off a little tho?

-yea...def.

-Im good at hiding things...LOL...

-ok

-I promise the calls will stop, and the expensive azz text’s

-Not stop

-Back off

-OoOoOoHHHH!!

- Gotcha

-Thank you

- For making me smile for the past couple of weeks...

your

hella tyte!!

-LOL not

i waited around for him to drift the convo elsewhere, Summer Reading perhaps, but no,nothing. So i signed off and tried everything in my power not to sign back on.

That lasted 17 mins.

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July 5th

Dear summer,

It almost ended today. The love that I had been holding on to was about to be taken away from me. I don’t even know where to begin. Discussing the bad will only make me dwell on it, but seeing as how the outcome was victorious, I will be more than happy to focus ma attention on that. We are in it for the long hall. Both of us have realized that our love isn’t just here one minute and gone the next. Contrary to popular belief we are not perfect. We have flaws but we will work them out together, and not alone. We will walk thru life hand and hand, experiencing new things and indulging ourselves in temptations with the knowledge that no matter what demon presents itself to us, we will conquer it together. I feel happier than ever. For once in my life I am certain about something. And that is us. I am certain we will make it. I knoe we will survive. Not because of our personalities, or our commitment. We will overcome all because of our unconditional love. Love conquers all. And now we have conquered love.


July 6th

Dear summer,

I thank the lord on high; it wasn’t anything but the grace of god that got me out of bed this morning. I swear, I thought i'd be ok. Other than the fact that I went to bed at like 3 o’clock I figured it be easier to wake up from four hours of a nap, than 8 hours of deep slumber. Guess I was wrong. I wasn’t grumpy or tired or anything. I consider myself a fast dresser so I didn’t panic. I calmly woke up at 7:57, and was fitted and ready to go in my full dancer attire at 8:00am. That is impressive huh? I boarded the Q Train, got off at 55th and 8, and walked to 55th and 5th. My classes were okay, My Horton Instructor Jeffrey Gerodias is actually hanging up on my wall. Not physically of course but on a poster. He has some of the most beautiful feet that I have ever seen in my life are attached to the ankles of that man. I feel in love. I know that sounds weird but it’s a dancer thing. Ballet was a total disaster. First I walked into the wrong studio. I knew it was a mistake when I saw Sarah Real, a.k.a Maureen Cummings. So I discreetly walked out and found the right studio only to find them at the bar doing full port de bras’. So fell in at attempted to do the same. I looked like a fool. I am Jody from Center stage and that’s all I can say. After Ballet II with Instructor Robert Atwood (Ryan’s last name from The OC) I had a two hour break. I walked down to 48th and 6th and ate once more at Pigalles. Classic Caesar as always. And back to W55th to take my Caribbean class. I thought it was going to be a little less like Jonathans Ballets and more like Coopers ft some Sean Paul. It was fun and I loved it. Every Movement used hips and arms and feeling, the dance that I like to do. I put passion into every turn and arabesque. I can’t wait for the next one.


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July 11th

Dear journal,

Before I indulge myself in another of one my life recent confessionals, I must go back to a topic that u have already discussed. “The Break up”, I received an aim that told me that another reason that he felt the friendship should end was because he was still having “Conjugal” visits from his past “Friend”. Usually I wouldn’t care. I mean I was still involved with another so why should matter. On the contrary I was really upset. I felt like I was being used. I felt dirty, and mistreated. In that 20 minute conversation I expressed the anger of someone who had been cheated on, but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t not understand why at the time I wanted to rip his tongue out and make him lick his own ass, but after days of thought I realized it was because he didn’t tell me. He waited until after the fact to let me knoe his true feelings. I felt as though he was wrong, by putting all the pressure on me and making me feel guilty for still being deeply involved with someone else, when the whole time he was doing the same thing. Even though I was highly disappointed, when we spoke over the phone my frustration and confusion just faded away and I felt like a 14 year old girl crushing Justin Timberlake. My life just keeps getting better and better.

I got a call from Erica the other day; it raised my spirits a little bit. She gave me the usual “I miss you, and I love you” and I replied with the same “I miss you more and I love you way more”. We fought over who loved and who missed who more. I told her about my recent “situation” with a friend/flame of mine. She responded to the news as if she knew and it wasn’t a big problem. I was surprised but glad at the same time. I knew that either road I traveled down in life she would accept it and be there to hear my juicy stories. When I told her nothing physical happened she didn’t believe me. “What!? That is so not like you!”She was absolutely right it wasn’t like me. And if we hadn’t have been thousands of miles apart during our “talks” something most likely would have happened, but we weren’t so we didn’t. People were around her so I could really go all the way into detail and she couldn’t really comment.

Erica told me to call her later so we could talk about some more, but when I did, of course no answer. Some days after my calls she sent me a text saying ‘Hey, Lovely I miss and love u too much. Call me anytime.”, I replied “I love you more! I did call you as monkey. No answer!” She rebuffed with “whatever I love you more and u never called. I miss you” So like a fool I called again and just like before No answer.

I strolled by Virgin Mega Store and picked up The Notebook one of America's greatest love stories. It’s a story of never ending love. It made me sad watching it. I couldn’t be with the one I loved so watching two people in love and showing it didn’t help my lonely situation. But for some odd reason I’ve watched it twice every day since I bought it I also took a stroll down memory lane and picked up "Dawson's Creek” season one. Watching it made me feel nine again. I understand now why I was so advanced sexually and romantically. It was because I was watching sixteen and seventeen year olds at nine and ten. I knew what French kiss was before I knew how to multiply.

I talked to him on the day of his UCLA orientation and he made me feel really dumb and scared about going to college. But then I talked to my sister and I was fine. I also spoke with my parents that same day and expressed my disappointment with they way my summer was going. I think I made them feel bad. I didn’t do it on purpose I just was telling the truth, but I think that was probably the one time I should have lied. It wasn’t that I wasn’t having fun in New York. It was that I wasn’t having fun Dancing in New York. Dancing used to be fun to me. I would wake up and go to school just for 4th Period Dance Production. But now I wake up and dread outing on my leotard, and tights. Maybe dancing was just a phase for me, like fat laces in my aides, or a job. Whatever the case may be, I want to go home. All I think about is making it to July 12th, because that means I have exactly one more month left in hell. And July 12th, 2006 is also the day that she and I celebrate our ten month anniversary. Jesus Christ that’s almost a year. Damn, love is crazy.